Losing Loved Ones From Afar

In the last year, I have heard more bad news than ever in such a concentrated time period. The home city I left just isn’t the same anymore, even if I were to visit. Too many people are not there now. When I made Aliyah, I always thought about the option of coming back to visit and catch up with people. It somehow made leaving easier.

It is a strange feeling, hearing the news of someone’s passing, and not being able to see others' reactions or be seen by them, hug their relatives, be a physical support, turn up at the funeral or shiva house. While I’m thankful to be able to speak over the phone or on video call, the reality is that the battery dies, or they have to go, and rather than turn to another conversation in the room, you are left alone.

Something about communal grieving brings the reality of the situation to the fore. To see others tears, to hear the words of the eulogy, to meet together to listen, to comfort, to share memories. There is such a powerful healing when we grieve together and move through the collective pain with each other.

The sense of being cut off, walking around sad, heavy, out of context, is a really unusual, surreal and new experience for me. It’s hard to relate your story, even to friends, as no one here knows who I am grieving for. Or how many people I have lost. Or what happens to all those feelings I am carrying around in my heart, alone.

On the other hand, I have been here for friends who have had bad news broken to them, and I was the only shoulder they had to cry on. I was promoted to become sister, Aunty, friend, all in one. That’s what happens when we make Aliyah, we step in as family where they are physically absent. It brings us, the Olim community, closer together and forms deep bonds between us.

Another way I found healing was through grieving one of my close losses from my home city, at a local shiva house. It might sound strange, but it was the only place I wanted to be and felt I belonged. When I needed to cry and be connected with others in loss, I found comfort, good will and palpable support in hearing beautiful inspiring stories of others loved ones who have passed away. It felt congruent. I left sad and uplifted at the same time, and most importantly, not alone.

This unique year has opened up new avenues of healing I could never imagine, and highlighted the unique role we play for each other as family when we are physically far from our own.